the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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