just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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