Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you didnt know i had herpes?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
