hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
be right there i have to get my cape
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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