I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
