I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
