I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
