Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
