This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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