just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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