he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
