Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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