There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
