so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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