Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
