I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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