we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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