Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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