cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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