I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
