well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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