He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
