Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
