I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
