My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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