and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
