I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
