So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
