There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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