First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I sprained my soul last night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
