He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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