I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we're making bets on your personal life
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
