Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
