You just made me feel so damn special
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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