I want to stick my p in your. b.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
