no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
