You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
