No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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