why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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