Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
