I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
