my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
