Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
