Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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