yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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