I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
