nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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