my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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