you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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