I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
