Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
