A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
