So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
