I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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