And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
